In Pursuit
But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be provided for you.
What are you pursuing?
I find myself in a strange place where, for the first time in my life, I am pursuing very little if anything at all, and what I am pursuing are things that I cannot do or accomplish on my own (for the most part). Thus, I've arrived in new territory in my life.
Before this, I chased what others told me to chase, things that sounded good. I chased a high GPA and high class ranking in high school. I graduated with only a 3.96 GPA and ranked only 15th in my class of 550-ish students, a failure. I should have had a 4.0 and been in the top 10. I chased my bachelor's degree in Computer Science until I graduated with a 3.63 GPA which is highest honors at Georgia Tech. Another failure. I failed to get any internships, co-ops, or any other job opportunities while there. I only managed to keep my grades up. I could have done more.
After an embarrassing end to college, I suffered the near endless humiliation of being unable to attain a job in my field until a year and 9 months after graduating, though I work in a high demand field. Worked at a coffee shop on campus during that time (as well as a few other places) deepening the humiliation. Eventually, I got a job in my field paying well below the average, but it was better than nothing. I've had a short stint of chasing higher pay which thankfully has ended. Many of my friends were much more successful at attaining jobs right out of college so another failure there if I compare myself to them. Through it all, I sought God, and he answered every prayer but what I asked for was at conflict with the nature that he put in me, the identity that he crafted in me. Eventually, he let me taste the rewards of my choices and failures, and I came to the end of myself while in the job that I have now. I entered into deep depression after many years of overcoming that kind of mental attack and darkness nearly consumed me.
No matter what part of the journey that I look at, I always became more miserable after getting what I was asking God for at the time. The truth was that I became miserable because what I sought was not what I wanted. As in, these were goals that God never put into my heart. I was asking for things that were counter to my destiny, my assignments, and my identity in Christ. He was gracious enough to answer those prayers anyway. Like many, I didn’t know what I wanted to do when I graduated high school, so I randomly chose computers. Because I am gifted intellectually, I can be good at anything that requires analytical thinking even though the subjects may not fit my temperament, so I was good at computers for a while in college. However, eventually the soul-crushing nature of sitting in front of a computer screen caught up with my "big brain," and I began to suffer from the conflict between what I spent hours of my day on and what I truly desired to do. This happened when I finally got a job as well. It was good at first, but then the internal conflict over time-cost and passion would roar inside of me. I would stumble into a deep depression eventually asking for Jesus to rescue me. He did, and he always has.
Although I know many have felt what I mention above, I think few know what to do about it or what the actual issue is. I began to figure it out by watching a talk by Christine Caine years ago [linked below], but I didn't get it until God broke me out of the darkness himself earlier this year.
I've dealt with depression, anxiety, and feeling generally trapped since 6th grade, and God ended that all in March of this year. He brought me through the gate of generational curses, and he allowed me to see them clearly and step out from under them. I entered a new level of freedom.
When I went out from under them, I was really able to see them, and I realized that I was being driven by desiring to perform well (in a way that pleased others) and feeling inadequate due to not contributing to the lives of those around me well enough (according to ungodly perceptions from out of my generational line). I felt that I needed to work to prove myself, and that by working hard, I would be fulfilled.
The idea of proving oneself through the work of one's own hands is a deeply held American belief that extends from the protestant work ethic. It's the works-based gospel that runs America 'til this day. It proclaims, "work for the sake of working, being busy is good in itself." My mind was filled with this idea passing from natural institutions and from unnatural ones, from family and from higher education. So, nothing I could do would ever be good enough because I could always do more. This idea was buried deep in me, and God in his providence and power plucked it out of me at the right time. Though that mindset has died in me (Thank you Jesus!), I find myself still wondering what is life for if you're not working just to be busy.
I still work in the same place, the office job that I got after nearly 2 years of trying to be something that I wasn't. I find that most misery goes back to not understanding who oneself is in Christ. I do my job well enough now, but my idea of what I'm doing there has changed. I'm not there to grow my contact list and network or dedicate my life to the business. For those of you called to that, I'm not mocking you. I just now understand that I'm not called to that. I have always had hidden dreams under the surface that I've ignored in favor of what others told me to do. I've gotten to the point where I understand that those dreams were the ones that God placed in me, and by ignoring them, I am running from my destiny.
My life has been me, a rather unconventional person since birth, doing conventional things, getting conventional outcomes, and being miserable when I'm unsatisfied by conventional results. I started to understand that if God made me unconventional since youth (which he did--many have informed me of my inability to “fit-in” and be “normal” over my life), then he probably had unconventional things planned for my life. The conventional pathway was never made for me though others can navigate it if they're called. I didn't choose to be who I am. God made me who I am, ignoring that is operating in pride. It is deciding my own destiny to choose someone else’s lifestyle to mimic when I should be searching out the purposes and assignments to which I’m called while walking with Christ. That is true humility. That is the pursuit: to be who God created me to be and only that.
God says to seek his kingdom first. What does that mean? How do we do that? I have the same job, same position in life , but I am developing a new mindset. How can I pursue the Kingdom right where I'm at?
To be honest, I’m still working it out. God brought me into a new land, a promised land in mind and spirit, but I have not yet seen it fully manifest, nor do I know where God is leading me (he hasn’t given me many hints just yet). Nevertheless, I know he is leading me into green pastures and by still waters (Psalm 23). He is making ways in the wilderness and streams in the desert (Isaiah 40).
I don't have to be busy for busyness' sake. I am no longer stressed, anxious, and depressed about my future. I no longer feel trapped because the chains have been broken. I am a little nervous though about my first few steps into my destiny, but God is leading me now, not the desires implanted in me by culture, society, and even people that I love. I suppose the command over my life is as simple the one given to Abraham,
"Go from your land,
your relatives,
and your father’s house
to the land that I will show you."
We must all continue to seek out the inheritance that God has stored up for us. We seek the Kingdom so that the Kingdom can be revealed through us to the world. That's the beginning of the pathway forward. I'm taking my first steps. How about you?